#465

Nothing is more debilitating than to care about something you can't do anything about. And you can't do anything about your adult children. You can want better for them, and maybe even begin to provide something for them, but in the long run, you cannot do anything about someone else's vibration other than hold them in the best light you can, mentally, and then project that to them. And sometimes, distance makes that much more possible than being close to them.

Abraham-Hicks

You may think you are being helpful, that you're kind, considerate and supportive, because, after all, they are your children. 

How can they possibly make it on their own if they are rescued at each sign of trouble? It is always good to show concern, genuine interest, share your wisdom , but you raised them and now it's their turn to 'take over the world.' If they stumble and fall, it is what they were meant to do, they need the lesson. If you get in the middle of it, you are only causing a major set back in their growth. They need to go 'out there' and handle life to the best of their ability, just as you and everyone else did. 

You can't make up for your past through your children. You can't eliminate any guilt you feel concerning their childhoods by overprotecting them now. What is done is done - the past, by definition, is past, over, finito, you cannot change it or fix it. 

If your adult children are not living up to your expectations, this is your issue and if they continually need help, this is theirs. They need this opportunity to grow up and learn to manage their own life. Again, they will not learn this, if you are doing their life management. It is their life not yours.


If you feel as though you want to make a contribution to their household, or spring for a family vacation, or give them a fabulous gift, this is your prerogative, and is a very nice loving thing for a parent to do. AND it's entirely different from being their sole means of support. They are adults, let them live their life.

#464

Sometimes

when the people

you love

hurt you the most,

it's better

to stay quiet because,

if your love

wasn't enough....

Do you think your

words will matter?

When you are hurt by the actions or words of someone you love, often this propels you into the 'let me try harder' mode. Maybe there is something else I could be doing so that they really 'see' me. 

Maybe if I explain, once again, how I feel they'll get it. Maybe if I re-phrase my argument, it'll make sense to them. Maybe I can change them completely, into another person that is exactly what I want. A person, that will act exactly how I want them to, when I want them to. It will never happen, a person will only change if they decide it will suit their purposes.

They are who they are, they do want they do, not what you want. There is no point in trying to get them to change, it will not happen. No matter how much you love them, how much you do for them, or sacrifice for them, you cannot make them be your ideal. 

This person hurts you, that's what they do. FACT. 

Why, then, do you want someone in your life that you have to teach to be loving, respectful, loyal, thoughtful? If they do not know how to treat you, they are learning it from you. You show people how to treat you. Don't accept disrespect from anyone. If you are loving someone and not receiving love in return, it is time to re-think your definition of love. Love does NOT hurt.

#463

The truth is, no matter what your current circumstances, if you can imagine something better for yourself you can create it.

John Assaraf

This is your life, it can be whatever you want it to be. 

Often it feels like you are trying your hardest and yet there is a steady stream of 'bad' stuff happening to you. Don't just assume that 'they' are out to get you. Does it feel like you have no choice about anything, about what will occur next in your life? Do you feel that it's just the 'luck of the draw', or maybe that you're cursed? 

You always have a choice, about how you act, what you do and how you choose to think.

Your thoughts create the world you live in... if you feel this is a scary world, it will be and the same is true for a happy, friendly world. It all depends on how you think about things. If you are feeling stuck, broke, lonely, sad etc. right now, you tend to dwell on that feeling, which will generate more of the same. 

It is as easy as changing your mind to alter any situation.

Therefore, if you want your life to be different, change it. If you want to be happy, then be happy. No matter what your circumstances, happiness or grouchiness is still a choice. It's all up to you. You choose how you feel, what you do, and what you think. You are in charge of your own destiny. 

'If you imagine something better for yourself you can create it.'

#462

Anything that immobilizes you,
gets in your way or keeps you 
from your your goals is all yours.

You can throw it away anytime 
you choose

Dr. Wayne Dyer

What Wayne Dyer is saying in this quote is that whatever circumstances you find yourself in, you and only you, have created them. No outside force has put you in this position - no matter what they said or what they did, it is still your choice how you respond. You are 100% responsible for how you handle whatever is thrown at you. 

You can always change how you conduct yourself... it is not mandatory to react as you always have. If you pay attention to how you handle circumstances that cause you stress or pain, you will start to notice the things that could be changed. Don't spend any more time worrying about things you cannot change, don't spend time worrying at all, it changes nothing. 

If you find obstacles in your way, work on finding out why you are creating a situation that keeps you from going where you want to go. There is always a reason and it is always about you. Only you can make the decision to stop self-sabotage. 

Don't be too hard on yourself... even though you are a spirit having a human experience, you are here because there is a lot to learn and it all takes time.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Dr. Wayne Dyer

#461

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet....

Soulmate - "A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before."  - Urban Dictionary

Many people have stated that there is no such thing as a soul mate, that it is just a fantasy that there is someone perfect for you.

Conversely, the accepted version of 'soulmate' - someone you have a natural affinity with. 

You are attracted to someone, obsessed probably, at least at the beginning. They are a perfect fit, everything you ever dreamed of. You finish each other's sentences etc. etc. etc.  You may or may not be onto something.... time will tell.

"A real soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

So it is deeper than obsession, you are together for a reason. We are all here to figure out who we are, and the soul mate is the perfect person to open you up to yourself. You will be thrust in different directions, exposed to different emotions, everything is more significant and every desire anticipated  by this   one perfect person. You wander around in a euphoric state throughout your day. Any separation from this person is traumatic and because your reactions are so profoundly heightened, it may induce anxiety, grief, despair and/or  frequent stormy periods.

It can be a tumultuous ride, with deep feelings and overwhelming gratitude.  

"They tear down your walls and smack you awake."

#128 re-print--2nd most popular post (2000+)

#460

How many chances.....
Do you give someone who's
not making any changes? Their
mouth keeps saying one thing
but their actions are saying
something different. You have
to forgive them for wasting 
your time and move on!

Tony A. Gaskings Jr.

Rather blunt delivery, but really, there isn't anything else to do. You have tried being understanding, you've proven that you are loyal, you have danced as fast as you can, and yet nothing has changed. 

If there is something that you feel strongly about, and the other person in this relationship isn't willing to change their pattern, you have the same two choices that you have in every scenario you will encounter in this life.

1. Find a way to accept the way things are

2. Move on

That's it! Whatever it is...your job, your family, your significant other, anyone or any situation that you cannot accept, your choices are the same. 

While compromise is a staple in a relationship, if you have stated your opinion on a subject, asked for a particular result and you both have agreed on a change, then there must be change. If everything remains the same, giving another chance will only declare that you were not really serious, it's okay, you didn't mean it and you are willing to allow the behaviour to continue. They have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk. Don't be fooled.

If something or someone is offensive to you, you don't have to put up with it, you need to walk away.  It is important for your self-esteem to honour your true feelings and stand up for your truth . 

Forgive them for wasting your time and move on.

#459

You have this one life.
How do you want to spend it?
Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Dieting?
Running after people who don't see you?

Be brave. Believe in yourself.
Do what feels good. Take risks.
You have this one life.
Make yourself proud.

Beardsley Jones

This time around, this is the life you have. It is what you make it. 

Everyone develops issues as they progress through childhood, not all of them are easily shrugged off once you reach adulthood. Some you don't even realize you continue to carry until they come up and slap you in the face. 

Once recognized, don't react, just pay attention. Ask yourself 'what is this, why am I reacting like this?' Then look into it. Is this feeling valid in your life today?

You don't want to carry all the negative emotions any longer, do you? Regret is a waste of your time and creates stress. Whatever has happened, has happened. You can't change it. If you have apologies to make, make them. If you need to forgive, then forgive. Admit to wrongdoing or misunderstanding, why hold on to it? You are an adult, you don't have to lead a life that was planned for you, you can lead the life you dream of

 Free yourself of guilt, rules, expectations and just live your life your own way.

#458

You have to be willing to lose them to keep them. If they feel like you'll stay no matter what, they will never respect you. But as soon as they realize that you're strong enough to live without them, that's when they see your true value.

Tony A. Gaskins Jr.

If you are trying to prove your love and loyalty to someone, assuring them that you'll always be there, that you'll never leave them, no matter what, you are sending the wrong message. Although you may feel that they need the commitment, it's possibly you that actually needs it. 

Where are you in this equation? You are telling them that they are more important than you are. This is about you, your worth, and what you want.

Don't give your life to someone else to manipulate. You need to do what you want/need to do. In a relationship, there is always some compromise, but it needs to be an equal playing field. If you are giving up your needs to accommodate someone else and not receiving the same respect from them, you need to re-think what you are doing and why you are doing it.

It is okay to want someone, to enjoy their company, share interests etc. but if you feel you need them, you are stating that you couldn't survive without them. They are not water or air, but simply someone you have an affinity with. 

The only person you need is YOU. Have a love interest, enjoy them, desire them, let them enhance your life, but don't lose yourself. You are a strong capable human with plenty to offer, make sure that you are on the receiving end of some of it as well. Love yourself first and foremost and know that you are whole, with or without someone else.

#457

Do you understand?

There are many forms of abuse on this planet. People will hurt you, physically, emotionally, intentionally or unintentionally, throughout your life. Everyone is carrying hurt within themselves, inflicted by someone else. You cannot protect yourself from being hurt. You can built walls, you can become a hermit, you can make sure that you trust NO ONE. But, how is that working for you? You are not living your life, you are just existing.

If someone has left you broken, it has changed you, and there is a substantial amount of work involved in gluing yourself back together again. The person that has broken you is not the person to fix you. This must come from YOU. Leaving the situation is the starting point. Once it has gotten to the point of being broken, "sorry" will not fix anything. You will not go back to the way you were before. 

Remember you can’t change anyone, don’t waste your time trying. Everyone is just who they are, and when they are not treating you the way you want them to, it is up to you to make a move. They are who they are, they love you or they don’t.  You cannot “make” someone love you.

Walk away, start again... it is not easy, but your present situation isn't either. It takes courage to walk away. You do not need to understand them, you need to detach from them. It is the only answer, you cannot fix them, nor do they want you to. They will simply find another victim when you finally muster up the courage to get out. Trust yourself, love DOES NOT hurt.

Your life starts now! You are perfect, don't allow anyone to tell you different, you are important, and you are lovable. Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice and go where your spirit guides you.

#456

 "I am convinced that the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed"-The Scarecrow -Wizard of Oz

Who are these people? The unusual ones... the artists, the actors, the rebels, the explorers, the daring, bold, adventurous, courageous ones. These are the people that are usually 'out there', the movers and shakers of society. They are willing to take a risk, put their face on display and fight for a cause. They get things done. They make sure that they are noticed; they will not die with their music still in them. 

"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out." Oliver Wendell Holmes

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."  Henry D. Thoreau

Don't put your life on hold. Don't wait for next month, next year or the culmination of your five year plan. Do what you want to do NOW. Now is all you have, this is the time to live. Do whatever you have been dreaming of doing. If it is important, you will find a way. Take the road less traveled. 

What is stopping you from doing what you want to do? Is it talent, money, degrees, confidence, handicap, ability, laziness, insecurity or FEAR?  Most people are not living their dreams, because they are living their fears. You will not be happy until you address the fear.  Hesitation, procrastination, excuses are all pointing to the fact that you are afraid. That is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone is afraid of something, but you are the only one that can feel the fear and do it anyway. 

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. Dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true. Do not live and die unnoticed. 

Rerun of #120

#455


Do not leave your longings unattended.....  

Where did your longings go, what happened to your dreams? What have you given up to continue in the life you are leading? Was there something you always wanted to do that has been put on hold permanently? 

Do you know that self-denial of your longings can lead to depression, anger, and illness?  You could say you just need to follow your dreams, for your own health. But I  understand that life steps in and responsibilities add up, and you just can't go running off into the Himalayas for a hike. If this is your dream, there is always a way, it may not be possible today, but it can be done. If this is what you                                                        really want to do, you can certainly attain it.

People seem to give up far too easily on their dreams and self-fulfillment. It's a matter of priorities BUT I am not saying your dream of hiking is more important than your children, or anything of the sort; I am just saying .... don't ever forget that you and your longings are important as well.

"It's your thing, do what you want to do." The Isley Brothers

When someone asks you what you always wanted to do, or what is your fondest desire; what is your answer? 
If there is some way that you can actually do it, then do it... 

In the meantime start planning it, set it up on a mood board or something where you can actually see it. Picture yourself doing it, and eventually, you will manifest exactly what you want ... where there is a will there's a way.

Do not leave your longings unattended

Re-run of #143

#454

This quote certainly opens a can of worms, doesn't it? 

How often does this happen? You are struggling to maintain the status quo, to keep everything and everybody happy, to keep the situation from exploding in your face; and what is she/he doing? Why are you fighting so hard to "keep it together?" 

It's fear, it's just too scary to even consider walking away from this relationship. There are a plethora of excuses why not to move on, but the reality is: it is just fear of the unknown, being alone, not being able to support yourself, and the usual "what will people think"? On the other hand, you may think that you love him/her, or you feel you can help them or fix them or you hope they need you. 

All of these are just excuses, they may seem like valid reasons at this moment but this is not about them, it's not about the children, it is about YOU. You are staying because of your fears, not for any other reason. 

If you really valued yourself, you would not spend one minute with someone that did not. So if you are in a relationship where you are putting in the time and effort to repair the damages done, and the other person in the relationship is not totally invested in that same mission, you are flogging a dead horse.

I understand that decisions like this are not easy to make. I also understand that you have history and "time served" to consider, but your health and happiness certainly deserve a fighting chance to survive. This person may not be the blessing you envisioned, but merely a lesson. When you understand what they are here to teach you, it will change your life; but for now, you will continue to do what you do, until you don't. In the meanwhile, work on you - trusting you, loving you, and embracing the wonderful spirit within .

"This above all, to thine own self, be true" William Shakespeare

This is a re-print of an earlier blog

#453

EGO.... again!

Our attachment to the ego is the cause of many of the problems in our lives. The insatiable need to be right over being happy will drain your life of every joy. The ego's inclination for superiority is often running the show.

When being dictated by our ego, we are judgmental  of others. This means we are fear driven. We are trying to control the situation or the person. We can't be kind and generous when we allow the ego to dictate our thoughts and emotions. 

"The ego is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask, it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval. It wants control, and it is sustained by power because it lives in fear."  Deepak Chopra

As Deepak Chopra states here "the ego is not who you really are", it is your mask, it's who you'd like to be if you weren't so scared. It is a survival tactic in most cases, a means of continuing your day to day life. It helps you to function in the world. It is protection from being hurt. If you use your ego to be a large  tough guy, you can beat whatever is after you; and your greatest fear is that as yourself you cannot. But anything that is fear driven is going to cause you more complications in the long run.

Given a choice, I'm sure we would prefer to be compassionate to ourselves, as well as others. Pay attention to what your mind (ego) is saying, and decide whether it serves you as the person you prefer to be. You don't have to believe everything you think. You do have a choice about how you act and what you say. It's up to you.

I am repeating my early blogs for my newer readers. This is #144

#452

Instead of asking others to
change their behaviour,
your power is in your
changing your reaction to
their behaviour. You have
no control over their
behaviour, but you do have
complete control over
your reaction to it.

Abraham

1. Have you ever tried to change the behaviour of another adult? 

2. Was there a behaviour that didn't sit right with you and you issued an ultimatum concerning change? 

3. Have you discontinued a relationship with someone that you truly loved because they wouldn't change a certain behaviour?  

4. Is there something someone close to you does that you have continually asked them to stop doing? 

5. Do you feel that if they loved you enough there is nothing they wouldn't change to make you happy?

If you answer yes to any of the above, it's likely that you think you have the power to change someone. You cannot change anyone. If any change seems apparent it is because the person WANTS to change for themselves. They may try it your way to make you happy, but they will end up sabotaging it....

BECAUSE IT IS NOT THEIR IDEA OR DESIRE TO DO IT, IT IS YOURS. 

No one will sincerely change a behaviour because you said so, or even because you want them to.

Of course, all depends on the severity of the behaviour you wish changed.... if we are talking addiction, then #3 is your best course of action, get out of Dodge, you cannot fix them, nothing will until they make that choice themselves. 

If it is something minor, there is always compromise. You can usually work things out, but never by demanding change.

#451

It costs nothing, yet there is nothing more valuable than looking into people's eyes as you talk to them. Really listening to people as they share their story. Thoughtfulness and presence. They cost nothing and yet no money in all the world can replace their value. To make someone feel like they are heard and felt, well, I think that stuff saves lives....truly.

How often have you been ignored when you were telling someone about a significant moment, at least significant to you? You notice the other person's eyes glaze over, after a few seconds. How does this make you feel? You may feel as though what you are saying, or perhaps YOU, are less important than you would have thought. It is not a nice feeling to be minimized in such a manner. 

Whatever someone's story, whatever they have to say, if they are choosing to say it to you; give them your full attention. You don't know exactly how someone is feeling, how deep the pain. By simply focusing on them alone, could be the turning point in their lives.

This consideration needs to start with young children. How many times does a child have to call out Mommeeeeeee before anyone pays attention to them? I know that being a parent of small children is trying at times, but the child deserves more than this. Children do not feel important when disregarded. This is where the issue starts, and they will only get more obnoxious (to garner your attention) as time goes on. They are being ignored, no one likes that feeling, and it's hard to know how far reaching that rejection may be. They could be clamoring for attention for here on in.

Everyone deserves a voice, everyone's story is important, so be thoughtful toward anyone that chooses to share their life with you.

This is a repeat of #283-Enjoy

#450
IF YOU CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM,
THEN WHAT IS THE NEED OF 
WORRYING?

IF YOU CANNOT SOLVE IT, THEN WHAT IS THE USE OF
WORRYING?

Worrying, although it seems to come naturally to us, is a great way to waste time. Nothing changes by worrying, nothing is fixed by worrying, although it does keep your mind occupied while you have the problem.

Worrying causes stress, and doesn't resolve anything, but it certainly kicks in the minute you are presented with a problem. Hopefully, it's temporary, while you sort the situation in your mind and decide on the solution, but if unable to find any solution, it will probably consume your every waking moment. What to do? If you are being a worry wart, it means that you are not living in the present. You have a fear that something will happen or a concern about something that has happened, you are not right here, right now. You need to disconnect from the thoughts in your head and reconnect with what is actually happening now.

Two ways to reconnect with what is happening right now: www.positivityblog.com

1. Slow down. Do whatever you are doing right now but do it slower. Move, talk, eat or ride your bicycle slower. ...
2. Disrupt and reconnect. If you feel you are starting to worry then disrupt that thought by shouting this to yourself in your mind: STOP!

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” 
Dalai Lama XIV

#449

As soon as you are born
you
are given a name, a religion
a nationality
and race.
You spend
the rest
of
your
life defending a fictional identity.
Deepak Chopra

This is how the world works, you are given two (traditionally) parents and all the decisions pertaining to your life will be made for you from the minute you pop out. You, of course, have no options, opinions and absolutely no say in the matter, you are the child of those that will raise you, and you will follow the same format as they did. 

Years go by and you will eventually discover that you are simply a product of your environment. Even if your DNA dictates otherwise, and you get the 'rebel' title, you have still been indoctrinated. Most parents do their best, but they can only teach you what they know. The parent's choice of religion, education and society will contribute and here you are with your 'fictional identity'. 

In fact, you have been told not only who you are, but who you will become. Most young people don't notice the 'following the leader' aspect of their lives until their teens when they start to form their own ideas. At that point many of them rebel slightly, challenging their parents on trivial matters, working hard at getting what they want. They may even challenge the demands of the parents whom they consider "old school' and unaware.

Rarely, as a teenager and sometimes even for years afterward, does it occur to most people that they are running a program that has little to nothing to do with how they feel. They just do what they do without any thought, robotically clinging to the protocol. 

Until now, you may have had no reason to question the belief system that you were raised with, It often takes some life-altering event to start challenging these standards. 

You have a brain of your own, it is YOUR life, question everything, figure out what YOU believe and who YOU are.

#448
Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us.

This is a message about not attaching to someone just because they entered your life precisely when you needed them. You were vulnerable and they fulfilled your every need, therefore, they must be 'MEANT' for you, they MUST be your soulmate. 

They were meant to come to you at that time, but that does not mean they MUST become the love of your life. They may have just been that person that could make you feel better for a little while. 

Because you were feeling beaten up by life, unloved, and alone, anyone paying attention to you could easily manifest into an unrealistic attachment. You felt you really needed someone, and they showed up for you. You felt powerless and they were kind and considerate. You felt grateful and that was a good thing, BUT, don't start pinning all your hopes and dreams on them, or developing expectations of happily ever after.

Don't jump into anything, you need to heal from what you have been through to understand your feelings. This is not the time to make life-altering decisions, just express your gratitude and wait to see what happens. Protect your heart. This good samaritan could certainly turn out to be the love of your life, but it could be that the sole purpose  was to see you through a hard time.